What a horrible, horrible day, it ranks right up there as one of worse, minus national tragedies and family deaths. I'll try to summarize. I had a colonoscopy schedule for 1:00pm at the local clinic.
1) I'm starving when I woke up, after a very explosive night of 'preparation'.
2) I take a cab at noon, to be there at 12:15 for a 1:00 appointment at the local medical hospital.
3) I signed in with the lady at the desk, could not spell Dr. M**** (?) on 'the' form, I remember I couldn't spell it.
4) One hour passes, I talked to a refugee lady from New Orleans about food, I'm from there, and I am starving.
5) Two hours pass, I start hearing anything that opens, candy and gum wrappers, potato chips, water bottle caps! I was zeroing in on food like an owl hearing a mouse tiptoeing in an open field.
6) Three hours pass, there were people there waiting for someone, so I called my friend Jim, who was going to ride me home, and told him that I wasn't even in yet to just go home. As I'm talking to him the fire alarms goes off, so we have to evacuate the waiting room. Everybody looks at everyone else for about 15 minutes in the hallway with the alarms and lights blinking. It's over and we go back in the waiting room.
7) Receptionist lady leaves for the day. I start getting a real sickening feeling, I go tell two technicians that I had a 1:00PM appointment. The look on their faces was like I told them the president had just been shot. "What!!??" "Did you fill out 'the' form??" "Yes", I said. "You filled out 'THE' form??" "Yes I did", I said. "This form?" "YES!!!" "But, but, the Dr. is gone for the day. You are sure you filled out 'the' form." "Yeeeessss, I filled out the effin form!" "I'm not leaving", I said and sat down. "But you are not on our schedule", they say. "We have to call the doctor's office." I hear them paging for him over the hospital intercom. Of course, flashing in my head is drinking that crap and doing 'the' prep work all over again. "I told them somebody had better do it!" as the floor cleaners buff the darkening hallways.
8) They take me to registration downstairs. "Is this the guy, did he fill out 'the' form?", they ask. I told them I wasn't answering that question anymore. They registered me. "Someone dropped the ball", they say. I'm so weak, I can't strike out. I had only a granola bar at lunch the day before.
9) They bring me back upstairs, I put on the toga and they ask me were is my ride? I told them they left 4 hours ago sarcastically. Dr. M***** arrives in a suit, agitated. They probably called from his dinner. He comes to me and says, "Ok, 3 things. First, the nurse at the office scheduled me into a cancelled appointment for someone else. Second, the receptionist did not bring 'the' form to registration or registration screwed up." "Did you fill out 'the' form", he asks? I look at the 3 techs and they answer very rapidly unison, "yes!" Third, since no one is here for you, you can't be sedated during the procedure." "But, but I'm from New Orleans," I say pitifully, like that would help. "Sorry, unless you want to re-schedule." "No! let's do it!", it's about 4:30.
10) I have the most sadistic doctor, they might as well strapped a ball in my mouth and put me in a swing. The procedure begins. I start watching it on a monitor thinking 'this is going to be cool'. As soon as I think that, the most intense horrible cramping pain in my life starts which doesn't end for hours. He fills me up like a truck tire and he says can't make one of the turns in my colon. The nurses start pushing my stomach frantically like they are turning a breeched baby. I think I was going in and out of consciousness and I keep hearing him say, "I just can't make this turn in his colon". "Breath!", the nurses are saying. The pain is getting very unbearable. I start doing the Lamaze breathing. "More lube!!", the doctor shouts. I look at the monitor and it looks like my colon is the exhaust tube coming out of a dryer. Hee hee, haa, haa, hee, hee, haa, haa!!! Owwweeeeing!!! My head was rocking back and forth, must not scream 'mother fucker'! Must hold on. They put a sponge to my lips to suck the water out of it. He is pumping so much air in me I'm rising out of the bed like the Exorcist girl. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts! Alien Martians couldn't be this cruel! My cell phone rings in a bag with my clothes in it and the ask me if I need to answer that. I scream NO, but I should have and answered and called #911. Waterboarding hell, just give the terrorists a colonoscopy, I would have confessed to the killing Kennedy. 'If I could just get passed the ileum,' he says, which felt like he was trying to get passed my heart valve. Get on your right side, no get on your left side, no get on your back, raise your legs, in out. After pumping me like a two-bit whore he says 'he can't get passed the turn, let's try a smaller fire hose'. He pulls the anaconda out nd he starts the whole process started over again.
11) He finds 4 polyps which are negative and he leaves the operating room, 'see you next week for the endoscope', he grins. Then the fun really began. The nurses who are now anxious to go home, keys in their hand since it's after 5:30PM. 'You have to pass all that air out of you!'. I could tell it was way way up there and this is going to be difficult. 'We can't leave until we hear you that is music to our ears.' They walk me to the bathroom for me to try to 'play music' in there. I bury my face in my hands, rocking back and forth with the most unbearable childbearing pain. A bubble here, a bubble there. They keep knocking on the door, 'are you alright?' 'Do you want a turkey sandwich?' 'NO!' I go back in the room and say I can't. Exasperated they say to get on my hands and knees with my butt in the air trying to trumpet charging elephants, they are pressing and messaging my stomach. Nothing. Not a note. Pain unbearable. The other nurse tells me my cab is downstairs as I'm positioned doggy styled on the gurney. 'WHO CALLED MY CAB?,' I scream! 'How long are you going to be', she asks? 'I don't know, send him back, I'm only two centimeters!!!' They walk me back to the bathroom saying again we can't leave until they 'hear music'. Again with the music. So I make some kazoo sounds and tell them I have to go home, that I feel so much better wimpering, lying through my teeth.
12) They walk me outside for the cab, of course I'm walking like when you do when you have two seconds to go to the bathroom, knees do not bend when you walk that way and I'm playing like I'm OK.
13) After 10 minutes the cab comes. I sit like an ironing board in the back of the cab. I get home, play music till 10pm moaning and groan and I fall asleep.
Have you ever had this happen to you?
